Please, leave

Every time you turn your back around
My heart breaks a little more
For I know what you are doing
When you pick up your phone
I know who’s on the other line
I know all of the names
Maybe I’m crazy for staying
That one,
I know about her name
I know about her seductive manners
I know how she misses you
I know she asks “where you at”
Some nights I want to take your phone and ask her to come get you
Because I miss you too,
even when you lay right next to me
I’d rather be the other girl
The one you miss and fantasise about
The one receiving sweet messages
So maybe if I let you go, it will get better
I know about the sweet words
You see, I’ve got all of the information
And I’m laying here
Watching your back
I could try to sleep
But your screen’s light keeps me awake
I imagine the words you’re saying
The sheetsmove to the rhythm of your typing hand
You seem full of sweet words for her.
I wonder what keeps you from joining her
Why you stay and lay next to me
I won’t keep you from leaving
I don’t want you here
And it’s burning
Rage.
I contain it,because I don’t know how to express it.
Help yourself and go.

Take a breath

At night, I’m fighting your memory
I wish I could take it out of my head.
I lay on my back, eyes closed
I try to control my breathing
Soon I lose the track
Did I inhale?
I forget to exhale
The air is trapped in my lungs
Why does it feel like a stone on my chest?
I turn on my right side
You’re back
I’ve forgotten about my breathing and you’re back
The memory
An infinite replay
I try to count, hope to fall asleep
One more flashback
I feel your touch,
The memory
I turn to lay on my stomach
Even when you’re gone the words still won’t come out
But they are here, and I need to tell you
I have to try
I turn to my right side.
Face to face.

 

A. ♥♥

Shower my soul

I wanted to be clean for you

I wanted to renew myself, reborn

I wanted to dust off my soul

Clean up my heart

Clear up my mind.

I wanted it all new for you

That shower seemed to last for hours

I washed it all

I wanted to wash my interior.

I didn’t want you to suspect any of what has been

I wished the water could infiltrate within my body and run through my veins

So even my blood would have been refreshed

But these scars won’t fade away

The nightmares won’t let me sleep

The memories keep me distant from the present

Our present,

The one that will never exist.

 

A. ♥♥

Emptiness

I’m afraid of the emptiness.

The one that will come soon after.

When you distance from me.

The emptiness left by the absence of your fingers between mines.

The emptiness left when your eyes no longer lay on me.

The emptiness left by the absence of your heavy weight on my chest.

All of your absence will leave me with emptiness.

And that, is exactly what scares me.

I choose to let go, I don’t want to fall.

Letting go is harder than I thought it would be,

So I want to make you leave,

I need it to be your choice, not mine.

I’ll show you my scars, wide open 

I’ll show you my eyes, fading.

I’ll show you my heart,full and empty at the same time.

I’ll show you my soul, broken.

I know it will scare you.

You can’t take care of a broken soul.

You’ll get afraid and walk away.

. . . . . .  See. . . . . . . . 

The choice will be yours.

A ♥♥

 

Shine

 I don’t know how to stand out in the middle of a crowd. I don’t know how to talk louder than anybody else. I don’t like to be the shinier thing in the room, I don’t like people staring at me.

 Often, you’ll find me sitting in a corner at many parties. You’ll never see me owning the whole dance floor, even when I die for it.

You’ll see me change my mind 10 times for an outfit cause the first one was too much. I could put on weaves and makeup all day, I could use one of those carrot body lotions, to make my skin lighter, so you all could see me in the dark. Some higher heels too.

 But that’s pointless to me. Living to be the prettiest? To shine brighter than all? Totally pointless for that is an endless game I don’t want to get in. I’d rather compete with myself to be a better person, you won’t find me trying to be the pretty girl of this night, there’s so many types of beauties, one only cannot win.

You might see me and think I’m not a good dancer, or I’m hostile with that serious face I always have. You might think I’m not fun and open-minded and it’s alright because I’m tired to prove different.

 If ever you come to me, you might hear that loud stupid laughter of mine, you might know that I’m just too shy to be loud in the crowd.

 You might hear one of the many awkward adventures I experienced.  You might know that I really do always laugh a lot, even when a complete stranger declares how crazy in love he fell with me. Or when I fall down to the ground and can’t stand up for I laugh too much.

 If you ever need to talk, you’ll know I’m there, I might not give you the answers you need but I’m a good listener. We could dream together about the places we would go and the things we could do. We could make infinite plans.

 If you come close enough, I promess you’ll see me shine, cause I always do.

Somebody else

Think I had lost my way
I was going for somebody great
Somebody fun and smart
Somebody faithful and caring
Somebody who knew what love is
Instead I somehow ended up with you
I wasn’t coming for you
This was never my plan
But you never let me leave
You kept me
Holding me so tight
I thought that’s what love felt like
You know
When you cherish one so much
You never want them to go
I thought that’s why you kept me so close
With my eyes blinded
I thought you were protecting me
From the ugliness outside
But you were hiding your own ugliness
Now I know
That love will never enslave me
That when you meet love, freedom begins
It makes you light and free
It really do feel good
I need that
Lightness after this heavy life
And freedom, after being chained to you
Love, something you never wished for me
Love… do you know about it?

 

A.